


Twenty-three past twelve

by Ellies



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anal Sex, Character Death, Depression, First Time Blow Jobs, Graphic Description, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kageyama is 16 and the OC is 17, M/M, Original Character(s), Panic Attacks, Scars, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Unprotected Sex, sex as a form of distraction, they have sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:07:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25452868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellies/pseuds/Ellies
Summary: Nothing can upset Kageyama anymore, and it would be perfect if only he didn't have deadlines, a school life, exams. He would be at peace if his life was empty, free of any worries, or he would simply be completely disinterested. So, in addition to the complete nothingness he feels inside him, every now and then anxiety about his non-existent future peeps out, making him feel bad, useless, a complete disappointment. He hates his life and hates himself for leading it in a terrible way, to be able only to look at the ceiling at night and wonder what he did wrong.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Kageyama Tobio/Original Male Character(s), Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	Twenty-three past twelve

**Author's Note:**

> This is a tough story. There are many triggering things, so be careful.
> 
> It's very personal, though. I wanted to vent.

Kageyama does not know when it started; it's a confused stain in his mind, as if his life had always been like this ever since he remembers. He can't bring back a time when he felt really happy.   
Now, everything is sinking, it is slowly sliding into the depths of his abyss, as if he was locked in a glass box and could see all that is beautiful in the world but could not enjoy it. He is trapped in his small space, his mind increasingly clouded by the lack of oxygen, the sun rays in the sky that fail to warm him.  
Kageyama doesn't get out of bed if not for a few hours. Nothing can upset him anymore, and it would be perfect if only he didn't have deadlines, a school life, exams. He would be at peace if his life was empty, free of any worries, or he would simply be completely disinterested. So, in addition to the complete nothingness he feels inside him, every now and then anxiety about his non-existent future peeps out, making him feel bad, useless, a complete disappointment. He hates his life and hates himself for leading it in a terrible way, to be able only to look at the ceiling at night and wonder what he did wrong.  
Kageyama tries to kill himself one afternoon. Life is no longer worth living for him, and he wants to end it. He ties an old scarf to the chandelier, the other end around his neck. But he is too tall, and his feet touch the ground even if he lets himself fall at dead weight. The tissue tightens his throat, making breathing difficult, and his mind, his eyes, everything begins to blur, spreading an unpleasant sensation throughout his body. He slowly brings his hands to the knot on his neck, and unties it. He slips to the ground and looks around, in shame at what he has just attempted to do. He can't even die.  
When he goes to school, everything goes a little better. He's forced to pretend, and, for a while, acting like everything's okay backgrounds the voices that tell him he should die. He engages in volleyball, but he doesn't really care, and everything he does is just because others don't find out he's not well.   
Shouyou looks at him when he gets a good ball, and smiles at him to thank him when he gets back on the ground. Shouyou is like a spark of life, everything that Kageyama lacks. Happiness, determination, the desire to take a challenge. Tobio no longer knows what to do to get back to experiencing these emotions ( _any emotion_ ).

When it's in the tub, he looks at himself. He is attracted by the greenish lines under his skin, a labyrinth of vases that occasionally hide, but which are very visible on his wrists, on his hands. If you look a little higher, there are still scars, faint as ghosts, that constantly remind him how weak he was. Now, Kageyama can't even hurt himself anymore. Self-harm was something that allowed him to unload the pain along with the blood coming out. If he doesn't feel anything anymore, he has no reason to do it. It was all about commitment. The blade sank into the skin, the blood came out, and for a few weeks all his concentration, his life depended on hiding those wounds. Nothing else mattered. But now Kageyama is not interested. It would be too tiring to hide his gestures when, often, he is not even aware of what he wears, how he leaves the house and presents himself. Sometimes he wants to do it, but it's not worth it.  
In the morning, on his way to school, he watches everything. He looks at people, and cars, and buses, scooters and bicycles. As he watches, he imagines jumping under a truck, and ending his life. The adrenaline runs through his veins on days when he takes it seriously, and his heart begins to beat louder. Only in the idea of death he can feel a little more alive.  
Slowly, he starts to get away from everyone. It's not intentional, he just _fails to feel interest_. Friendship ties were never his strong suit, but in Karasuno he had begun to find friends. But now the messages are less frequent, if no one writes to him he does not bother to start a conversation. He made it clear that he doesn't like to talk on the phone, so no one bothers to call him. During training he’s always as usual, maybe just a little bit more distant, but after all he’s like people have always seen him.  
Kageyama never thought he could feel anything for anyone, until he met Kurozaki Yori. He meets him one afternoon; the sun is setting, and Tobio is sitting on the parapet of a bridge, contemplating the water below, clear, reflecting the dying sun. The first thing he feels about him is the smell of menthol cigarette, and he just turns around, taking note of his presence. It freezes when it absorbs all the details of his person. His brown hair falls on his eyes forming soft waves, but his attention is captured by the rosy and thick scar that forms a ring around his neck, disappearing in the collar of his jacket and under his hair. Kageyama stares at that detail, knowing that the green eyes – intensely green – of the other are looking at him. There's no one around them, and the scene is vaguely surreal, as if it were only happening in his head.   
"I come here every day, ever since you started coming too," he says, looking over the horizon. “I knew right away that you were like me. I saw the way you stared at things around you, like you were desperately trying to absorb the essence of it. I also saw the way you stared at the road, and I saw myself from three years ago,”  
Kageyama can't breathe, and the desire to let himself slip below is more insistent than ever. Before he can really consider it, the boy takes a hand from him, and shakes it tightly.   
“Kurozaki Yori,” the boy whispers, and then moves both of their hands on his neck. Kageyama's fingers graze his scar, and he shudders. It's weird, touching that tissue, he thinks. That scar is different from his, too light to leave a trace like that.   
"I did it when I was fifteen. I wanted to die, but I didn't think they could find me," he explains, almost in a trance, and let his hands fall into his lap.   
They remain silent for minutes, and then Kageyama finds the courage to say something. “Tobio,” he whispers. “Kageyama Tobio,” he adds, his voice soft. The boy has now finished his cigarette, but he still holds the butt between his fingers. He squeezes it in his fist, and he comes down from the parapet. “See you tomorrow, Kageyama Tobio,” he says, and then walks away.

* * *

They go on like this for a month, and January slowly turns into February. Yori is the only one to speak at first, but over time Kageyama also tells some details about his life. He doesn't talk to him about the scars, though Kurozaki asks. They're not as visible as his, and Kageyama is ashamed of them. He talks about volleyball, about Karasuno and Hinata, he talks about his parents who can't really see him.   
Yori squeezes his hand, and Kageyama thinks he might stay like that – sitting on the parapet of the bridge with his fingers between his – for the rest of his life.   
One day, while they're talking, the rain starts to fall. It's faint but annoying, and the dark clouds in the sky promise the arrival of a storm. Kageyama is about to leave, to go home, but Yori looks at him and asks him to go to his house.   
Kageyama agrees.  
His house is modest, very bare, dark and silent. Kurozaki's parents, he explains, are at a meeting in Tokyo.   
The boy offers him green tea, and Kageyama accepts it and sits on the couch. He's tense and doesn't know why, but he can't stop torturing his lower lip between his teeth. When Kurozaki returns, he stands in front of the couch, staring at him without saying a word.   
Ten minutes later they are kissing, Kageyama on his legs and hands in his hair, his heavy breath that joins the other’s.   
Kageyama never kissed another person, but he doesn't care. Yori changed everything. When he's with him, he can't help but feel something and, even briefly, emotions fill his chest again.   
Kurozaki is older, is seventeen years old and has left school, but Kageyama feels like a kindred soul. He doesn't feel out of place with him, he doesn't even feel younger.   
He disreps his hair and kisses his forehead, cheeks and throat. He has an obsession with that scar, and Yori doesn't care. He leaves damp and open-mouthed kisses, he touches it with his tongue and teeth, with extreme kindness. Kageyama feels the boy, under himself, get excited. It's a new feeling, having never become intimate with anyone, but he doesn't find it unpleasant. He moves slowly, brushing the other's erection with his own hips and thighs, pretending it is unintentional as he continues to kiss him.   
Suddenly he feels the desire to have him inside of himself. He doesn't know why; he doesn't actually feel sexual arousal anymore, it hasn't happened to him in a while, but he wants to have it inside him. He whispers in his ear and Yori asks him if he's sure. Kageyama nods.

They move on the bed, and the boy slowly begins to undress him. He takes off his shirt, kissing him carefully, and finally his jeans. It freezes for a moment when it sees the red lines on Kageyama's thighs, deep and fresh. "You didn't tell me about it," he says.   
"I didn’t want to talk about it," he replies. 

When Yori slides in, Kageyama smiles. _That’s it_ , he thinks, _that's what I needed_. The pain of penetration, the burning of the flesh, the fog in the mind. Tobio grabs his hand, and presses it against his leg. With a sob, he feels the tears begin to rise in sharp pain. He keeps smiling, and Yori doesn't move his hand.   
Kageyama is a tool. He just wants to be used by the guy. Kurozaki whispers to him that he is coming, and Kageyama tightens his legs around his pelvis, asking him to come inside of him.   
“Please,” he whispers, and Yori moves frantically for a few seconds before sinking even deeper and coming long. Kageyama manages to feel his warmth inside himself and relaxes on the mattress. Yori tries to get away, but Kageyama won't let him. He lets him collapse on himself instead, and keeps his legs still tight to his pelvis so he doesn't get him out.   
"I like to feel you like this,” he whispers, stroking his hair.   
“Were you a virgin?” he asks, kissing his chest.   
“Yes,” Tobio replies, after a few seconds. “I'm glad it was you,”  
“You’re going to regret it,”  
Kageyama shakes his head. “I've never wanted anything the way I want you now.”  
"You are particularly sincere today,”  
Tobio smiles, and closes his eyes.  
Yori stays inside him for a while, before Kageyama hears him harden again. This time he gets on him, and moves until he comes again, with a muffled scream between his lips.   
Kageyama's excited, too, but he doesn't want anything. He takes off from him and feels his seed dripping between his legs, and smiles before getting up to go to the bathroom.   
When he returns he is clean, and he lies down next to Kurozaki and thanks him.   
The following Monday, when he comes back to school and training, he feels he's different. Yori's changing him, and everyone seems to notice.   
“Kageyama, you look different today.”  
“Did you find a girlfriend?”  
"It has to be like this! I'd recognize that look everywhere.”

Tanaka and Noya talk, but he doesn't really listen to them, and he shrugs. The two continue until Daichi gives them a sharp look. When he's finished stretching, and he looks up, Shouyou is staring at him. He doesn't smile, and Kageyama feels something in his stomach, as if a brick had fallen inside his body.   
He doesn't set him a single ball that day.

* * *

Coming home from school, he refuses to make his way with Hinata, and goes by Yori.  
As soon as she sees him, she starts kissing him, and shortly after she sticks a hand in his pants, in a silent request for sex.  
Kurozaki exhales noisily, a groan badly concealed, and pushes into his hand.  
“I've been thinking about you all day,” Yori moans, lowering his pants and underwear, joining his hand with Tobio's.  
“I've been thinking about you too,” he murmurs, pushing him toward the couch and kissing his shoulder.  
“During class?”  
“Yes. I couldn't wait for it all to end, lessons, training...” Kageyama murmurs, moving one finger on the tip of the penis, making the other moan noisily. “I wanted you inside me at all times. I need you,” he pleads, stopping his hand and looking at him in the eye.  
Yori looks at him for a second before walking away. Kageyama is confused and thinks that he’s rejecting him, that he’ll says that he no longer wants to deal with his perverse, sick desires, with his desperate needs that divert his mind from all his thoughts.  
Instead Yori makes him lie down on the bed and, slowly, takes off his pants and boxers, and lies between his legs. He starts slowly, kisses his calves and thighs, making sure he doesn't even touch the spot where the scars are forming. The path is long, and Yori proceeds slowly, until he arrives at his crotch, where he finds Kageyama’s member, still relaxed. He lays his lips on his length, and Tobio, who had been completely immobile up to that moment, shudders. His member barely hardens, and Tobio sighs, as if he were in disbelief.  
“I want you to come, Kageyama,” he says, before he takes his penis and start lick it and suck it meticulously, from the tip to the base. Slowly, patiently, the member hardens and, when Yori stops, Kageyama's panting, his eyes shut.  
“Tobio? It's all right?” Kageyama nods, but Yori doesn't move until he reopens his eyes, and looks for his hand. His eyes are shiny, and he is trembling, and he finds his lips in a second clutching him to himself.  
“It hasn't happened to me in... months. I don't know what I'm feeling right now, but... I want you to... I want you,” he murmurs, to his ear, and lies down on the bed, opening his legs.  
Yori looks at him, and in a few seconds is again between them, a hand on his opening to prepare him. Kageyama stops him, shaking his head.   
“Put it in,” he tells him, and Kurozaki caresses his leg, his expression sad.  
“We don't have to do this if you-”  
“I'm fine. I'm ready, I'm ready like this,” Tobio says, more determined, and Yori aligns with its opening, gently pushing. Kageyama closes his eyes and opens his lips wide, moaning noisily. It's the first time Yori's seen him like this, uninhibited, excited. He pushes into him until he is completely buried in him, his pelvis in contact with his flesh.  
When he starts to move, Kageyama whispers harder, and screams when he hits his prostate, and keeps yelling at him to go faster, to fuck him harder, stronger.  
After a particularly well-angled push, Kageyama opens his eyes and arches his back, asking him to move again like that. After a few seconds, he comes with a groan, getting his abdomen and chest dirty.  
“Don't stop, don't stop yet,” he whispers, and Yori continues to push into him at that exact point, using a hand to touch his member, until Tobio is hyperstimolated and screams again. His body is telling him to get away, but Tobio is stubborn and pushes against his pelvis, and he clasps his hands on his thighs, until he comes again, with tears sliding down his cheeks and the name of Kurozaki a scream on his lips.  
Yori follows him after a short time, coming long inside him, his eyes closed and his hands clenched on his hips until he hurts.  
Both are dirty and exhausted, but Yori stays inside him as he knows Tobio likes it, and caresses his hair until he opens his eyes.  
Kageyama is still shaking, overwhelmed by the power of orgasms and the intense emotions of the sexual act.  
“I... it was... intense,” he murmurs, kissing his neck.

* * *

“Tell me about yourself,” Yori asks one late afternoon, after Tobio sucked him off.  
“I already told you,” he answers, shrugging. He doesn’t know what he should say, he doesn’t know anything about himself. He already told him about volleyball, and that’s the major thing about himself.  
“Tell me about your family,” Yori says, moving his fingers on Tobio’s skin. Kageyama exhales, a deep sigh that leaves him silent for some seconds.  
“It’s really not interesting. My parents are barely home. I see the once a week, they’re always busy with… work. Or they go visit my sister in college. I used to live with my grandfather,” he says, and then he’s silent. He never talked about him. Something strange shakes him from inside, and Tobio feels like he has a huge hole in the middle of his chest. Everything hurts.  
“When did he…?” Yori asks, without saying it. Kageyama would have never thought that he would avoid the word “death”.   
“Last year, he had cardiopulmonary problems,” he answers, and then closes his eyes. His skin itches and Tobio scratches it, insistently, until Yori takes his hands and stops him.  
“Don’t,” he breathes, and when Tobio open his eyes, he sees that his forearms are painted with deep red stripes. “Have you ever talked to anyone about- about everything, actually. Have you?”  
Tobio is silent, and uncomfortable. He’s not used to talking and it’s making him nervous and irritated. He just wants to go home, so he tells Yori.  
“Wait-” the other says, and gets up from the bed to stop Kageyama, who’s already getting dressed and collecting his stuff. “Kageyama, wait. I’m sorry I brought that up. I understand it’s painful but I think you need to talk to someone.”  
Kageyama doesn’t want to listen and acknowledge that he’s right, because he doesn’t- he doesn’t want to talk about his life, his sadness, his grandfather dying and leaving him alone in his dark house, so dark without his voice and his face waking him every morning, and he doesn’t want to think that he’s so alone that no one would even notice if he just disappeared into that darkness, because he has no friends, and he never had, and he was a fool if he thought that his team could love him even a little bit when he always behaved like he didn’t care, and he almost didn’t but he _did_ want to care, he just _couldn’t_ because he felt like he was drowned of everything and-  
“Kag—ama, try to keep –” he thinks he hears something, but his head is so full, so full and he can’t think, can’t hear and he can’t see, everything is so dark and he can’t breathe and he’s like he’s underwater.   
He feels something touching him and saying his name, and then he’s resurfacing and he opens his eyes with a gasp, and breathes the air that he couldn’t reach before.   
He’s on the floor and he’s curled on his body, and his face is wet and there’s no one touching him anymore. When he becomes aware of his surroundings he sees Yori watching him with a worried look, and he can’t stand the sadness that he sees in the other’s eyes. Kageyama feels so tired.   
“What…” he tries to speak but his throat hurts and his voice is raspy. “What happened?”  
“You had a panic attack,” Kurozaki says, his eyes never leaving his face.  
“I- I never,” Tobio tries to explain, but he doesn’t know how. “It felt like drowning,” he says at least.  
“You were hyperventilating, and crying and you started screaming and sobbing so hard,” Kurozaki is speaking like he’s seen it before. “I was worried, it lasted a lot.”  
“’m sorry,” Kageyama says, because he doesn’t know what to say. He just wants to walk away in shame and collapse into his bed and never wake up again.   
“Don’t be,” Yori shakes his head, and sighs.  
“Did you?” Kageyama asks after a long time. None of them had moved from the floor yet.  
“Did I what?”  
“Went to a psychologist,” he explains. “After you tried to kill yourself.”  
To his surprise, Kurozaki snorts. “Well, I had very little choice. My parents made me, of course.”  
“Did it help?”  
“Yes, at last. It was very hard, because I didn’t want to be there, and couldn’t explain why I had tried to slit my throat in a way that was satisfying to them. They thought there was something wrong; bullies, failed exams, a broken heart, even. But I just- I didn’t want to live because I just didn’t. Everything seemed so dull, grey. I had lost interest in everything. There was nothing wrong in my life, it was just my life that was so… uneventful, and I didn’t want it anymore.”  
“Do you want it now?”  
“Most of the time, I do. If I don’t… I just ask for help if I feel it’s becoming too much to bear.”  
Kageyama just nods and stands up. He finishes dressing and then he opens the door. “Thank you,” he says to Yori. “For helping me.”  
“I did nothing,” he says, and attempts half a smile.   
Tobio is heading to the front door when he hears Kurozaki calling him. “Hey. If you feel like it’s too much… tell me, ok?”  
“Okay,” he answers, and one moment later he’s outside, and he can breathe again.

* * *

Kurozaki calls him a week later after his breakdown, telling him that his parents wanted to move to Tokyo for work, since they already were there all the time. It would be a new start for Yori too, a new chance to finish school, build a future.   
Kageyama listens, but never speaks.   
“I’m sorry, Tobio-” he says, but Kageyama doesn’t want to hear it. It doesn’t feel right, the sound of his name out of his lips. Kageyama just wants it to be over.  
“Don’t call me like that,” he says, rougher than he means. Or maybe he meant it, because he feels something building up, something like anger, and sadness, because he told him they would-  
Tobio shakes his head. It doesn’t matter anymore. He ends the call and he goes to the bathroom, fills the tub with hot water (too hot) and sinks in. Be barely feel the water burning him. Everything he feels is sadness and anger and tears running down his cheeks. He’s alone again, but this time he didn’t expect to feel bad about it. And it hurts.   
It hurts like hell when he presses the blade into the flesh of his thigh. The hot water makes it sting endlessly but he wants it to be like that. He feels in a bubble, his heart is beating fast, and everything he can see is the razor blade, everything he can feel is the pain of it cutting the skin and then he flesh, until the blood is running freely and fast, and then he can move to the next cut, suppressing a low moan of pain until his skin is covered in razor cuts.   
The water is pink, and he wonders how much blood he lost for it to be like that. It never happened before. He doesn’t care, though, and he drains the bathtub until the water’s is gone, and he’s there, shaking, cold and finally at peace.

* * *

It’s been a week when everything changes. Everything changes because he’s fucking stupid. He was always so careful to be the last to leave practice. It gave him privacy in the locker room, when he had to change. It was just a stupid mistake.   
He’s cleaning his wounds – because he’s not _that_ stupid and he know he can get an infection if he’s not careful. Daichi chooses that moment to come back to retrieve his backpack. Kageyama freezes. Daichi is still, a hand still on the doorknob as he takes the scene in. It’s unequivocal, clear as water. Daichi’s face hardens, but he doesn’t say anything at first. Kageyama can’t move. Panic fill his veins and he’s there, sweating and he feels like he’s hyperventilating again. He tells himself that he can’t, not in front of his Captain, not when he’s already seen what he did to himself, not when he already thought that Kageyama is a freak and now he has the absolute certainty that he is, and he shouldn’t stay in the volleyball team.  
He hears Daichi close the door, and Kageyama is already on his feet, and he tries to stop the tears from falling on his cheeks but he can’t.  
“Please- Daichi… don’t… please don’t throw me out of the team,” he sobs, ugly, and he hiccups as he tries to collect his stuff and get dressed, an eye still on the other boy, cautious of his behaviour.  
“Oh, Kageyama,” Daichi barely breathes, and walks fast to embrace him and, finally, Kageyama breaks.  
Everything he manages to say is a tantrum of I’m sorrys and please don’t tell anyone and can I stay on the team, please, Daichi, please, and he doesn’t notice that the older boy is crying too, much more quiet and still, while he lets him get everything out of his system.   
Daichi insists that he shouldn’t go home alone. It’s dark, and he walks him home and doesn’t leave until he sees the lights go on.   
That night, Hinata calls him. He doesn’t answer, because he’s afraid. He doesn’t know what he’ll say, if he’ll mention what happened in the locker room, if Daichi already told everyone. But then his screen lights up with a message, and Hinata is asking him why he tossed more to Tanaka that afternoon, if he’d done something wrong.  
Kageyama wants to laugh, because it’s just too hilarious how different their priorities are, but he still answers that he did nothing wrong and that he was just tired, because if he doesn’t Hinata will text him all night.

* * *

Kageyama misses school for two days. He barely moves from the bed and he doesn’t eat, even if his stomach is arguing with his mind. He feels no longer in control of his body, and he doesn’t care anymore.   
As expected, Daichi calls him. He calls _all the time_. He texts all the time. Sugawara is calling too, and he wants to turn off the phone but he can’t, because if his parents call he will be in trouble, and he doesn’t want anything to bother him.  
Hinata is texting him, too, and he’s worried, and he can’t stand their kindness, even if he knows he should be grateful. They care, after all.  
Or maybe they just want to know if he’s dead already, so they can replace him. Probably Daichi just lied to him out of pity, when he assured him that he would still be an important member of the team. Maybe they were just waiting for the moment he stopped bothering them all.  
He doesn’t answer at the door when he hears Daichi and Suga knocking and then banging at the door, he doesn’t answer when Hinata is there too.  
Their voices are too distant.

* * *

Tobio is ashamed. He’s reached his point of no return. He should have died months ago, _years ago_ , when he understood that there was no place for him on earth. No one wanted him, how could they? He was useless, rude, shy; he didn’t want to exist.  
He grabs his phone an sends two single messages before turning his phone off.

* * *

This time the water is red.

* * *

In Tokyo, Kurozaki’s screen lights up and he unlocks it as soon as he sees who sent the message. He almost drops the phone when he reads it.  
It’s too much, I’m sorry.  
He calls 110.

* * *

In Miyagi, Hinata lets go of his volleyball when he sees a message from Kageyama.   
I’m sorry I wasn’t better for you. You’ll be great one day, Shouyou.   
Hinata frowns, and tries to call him, but Kageyama doesn’t answer. He calls Daichi, instead.

* * *

Daichi is at Suga’s with Asahi when Hinata calls him. He pales, and Sugawara is suddenly on his feet, reaching or his phone.  
“He’s not answering,” he yells, but Daichi is still on the phone with Hinata. “Daichi!”  
“Yes! God, Hinata, you just stay home,” he says, breathless, but the younger boy protests, and says he’s already on his way to kageyama’s house. When he tries to stop him, he hangs up.  
“Fuck!” Daichi yells, and it takes him two seconds before he’s telling Suga to call the emergency number, just to realise Asahi’s already done it.   
“Do you think-” Asahi’s asking, but Daichi doesn’t let him finish. He can’t think about that, now.  
“We need to go, Hinata is going to be there soon, and I- I don’t want him to…” his voice cracks, and Suga is hugging him, tight, and he needs to hide his face into his arms because he’s crying.   
“If he’s dead I will never forgive myself,” Daichi says, but Suga shushes him.  
“Don’t,” he says. “Don’t blame yourself for something that you don’t know has already happened.”  
“I could have stopped him, I should have told someone-”  
“You did,” Asahi speaks, and his voice is hard, but not angry. It’s just empty of every emotion. “You told us, and we told you to wait. You should be blaming us, too.”  
“I’m sorry,” Daichi whispers, drying his cheeks. “I just can’t believe that he was so desperate and we noticed too late.”  
“I know, I’m sorry too.”

* * *

When Hinata arrived at Kageyama house, he was panting. He left the bicycle on the grass and started running to the main entrance, but something stopped him. _Someone_ stopped him.   
He recognised Sugawara’s form as soon as he looked up, and he tried to break free from his grip.   
“Let me go,” he said, the whisper turning into a scream when Suga wouldn’t. “LET ME GO!”  
“Hinata, you can’t go in there,” Daichi said, looking at the young man in front of him, caged in Suga’s arms, screaming and crying.  
“He’s my _friend_ , I have to go!”  
“You can’t,” Daichi replied. “The paramedics and the police are already here, we shouldn’t even be here. We can’t do anything, Hinata.”  
Hinata stops fighting and visibly deflates. He starts shaking and his eyes are fixed on the front door.   
When the third years look, they see the paramedics coming out of the house, running and dragging a stretcher with a still body on it. They shout between themselves and hurry the stretcher towards the ambulance, but one of them shakes his head as the doors close.   
“No, no, no, no! No! NO!” Hinata screams, and Suga is still hugging him in silence as he falls on the ground, screaming.

* * *

The paramedics try, and try, but the boy has lost too much blood. They drag his body out of the tub and bandage his arms tight, but his pulse is very weak, and he’s struggling to breathe; they’re not even on the ambulance when they see him pass away. One of them exhales and shakes his head. He checks the time.  
“Time of death: 00.23 A.M.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please, please, if you're feeling depressed, if you have suicidal thoughts, seek help. It can be extremely hard, overwhelming and you may want to end it all but please, give yourself one last chance.


End file.
